Monday, August 6, 2012

4 Months and Still No Words

I have writers block. 
I have imagination block. 
I have brain block. 
I am bored, stressed, and very depressed. 
I'm jobless, dreamless, and after spending every waking and dreaming moment treading water, I am truly overwhelmed and exhausted.  Usually, I write quite well when in a lull. Not this time. I am the lowest I've been in all my life. A slump I just can't seem to climb out of. I've lived in Austin for nearly 5 years and I have no close friends. My life is spent just making ends meet. Between Dr's appt., 70 hour work weeks, 2nd jobs, and 3 Forks Ranch my only moments to steal away is reading under the covers with a flashlight (10yo style) after everyone is asleep. I know millions of people in the world work harder, struggle more, and sacrifice worlds beyond what I have. I suppose it makes me weak and childlike in that I am so unable to handle this level of constant stress and anxiety. I feel sorry and guilty for making my parents constantly worry about me and even worse that I lash out at my husband and save all my smiles and giggles for the Monster. 

What kind of life is this?
How do I climb out of the hole I just keep digging?
Maybe if I dig long enough I'll end up in China. 


Bobbi said...

I totally feel you on this. Not the exact same circumstances, but I'm just not sure if I'm meant to stay home. I want to raise my kids myself and not have them in daycare. It's a great purpose and responsibility. I sometimes think how crazy it is that I am entrusted with these two little lives.

But it's hard. Some days, I'm non-stop; playing teaching, doing projects, cleaning, going to playdates, etc. other days I can hardly get myself off the couch to feed them.

jkbjb said...

Hi Kate,
It's been many years since I coached with you at BUGS, but from one tired (not the word, I know) mommy to another....keep fighting. One day at a time. It's so easy to get overwhelmed. But in the end, we have no choice. The only way we get to love on our little one (that's the only thing that matters in all this mess anyway) is by dragging our keisters up and out and pushing on for one more day at a time. All of these measurements we have for ourselves have to go out the window. Meeting some imaginary standard we "always thought" we'd live up to does more damage than good. Your family loves you. Your son loves you. You are all fed and no one is going to let you go hungry. Everything else will work its way out and your son will love you the same, whichever way you get there. So keep your head up and enjoy a day of just BEING you and doing nothing "productive" or whatever. Take a day (or more!) to be good to yourself and mean it. Hang in there... Kim

JCRHarris said...

It doesn't make you weak to feel overwhelmed or to admit that you are overwhelmed. You have a lot happening and none of it is little! I don't know how you feel about medicine but it sounds like you are suffering from anxiety and depression and if it's interrupting your life that bad, I would talk to my doctor. I got diagnosed with anxiety when Rupert was 7 or 8 months old and have been on meds ever since. I love them. I feel like myself not like the pissed off stress ball that I was before (sitting in the shower crying). If you need anything you know where to find me. I love you!