It has been a long time since I have written. To be honest, the biggest reason is very simply that I talk to 2 Doctors, 3 Therapists, 2 Teachers, and 1 Autism Case Manager on a daily basis. After work, where I talk for 5 hours, I really have no desire to discuss anything with anyone...other than my Mom (who after all these years still actually wants to talk to me. haha)...but my very best friend is getting married in May and she has been by my side since I was 17. By my side has often been from miles away but she mentioned to me recently that she missed my words.
So here goes some words...
Last night, even though I was exhausted and should have fallen right to sleep I was wide awake and restless. The only cure is to cuddle up to a half naked, drooling, sweaty 4yo on the bottom bunk of a bed full incredibly painful cars/trains/dragons and one or two stuffed animals. I was literally instantly calm as I listened to his steady, heavy, deep, sleep breathing.
My mind went over the day, the conversations with the doctors, the latest discussions with the therapist and the emails and talks with the teachers.
What can I do differently?
What new method can I try?
What should I tell the new doctor on Thursday?
Should we try casein free?
Remember to google that tomorrow.
How can I get him to answer "why" questions?
How can I make his life a safe and happy place?
Will he still be in diapers at age 18?
Why does age 18 sound too close already?
Did I remember to brush my teeth? errr..yes....good.
Shoot! Are there clothes in the washer?! no...good.
Kate to Brain: stop thinking. Brain to Kate: Stop thinking.
At about 3am I awoke with a sweaty, yet adorably loving arm draped across my head. I squeezed across the bunk and settled into the cool, softness of my own side of the bed. It was then that I realized, yet again, that my driving force and his love of life, trains, dragons, cinderella, and mommy are all I need to get up in 3 hours and do this all again.
Dear Mr. Oliver,
I won't give up on us.
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love.
Love, Your Mommy.