I've told our story to, what feels like, 4 million people...doctors, nurses, therapists, nutrionists, family, nurses, co-workers, bosses, friends, babysitters, insurance companies, human resource representatives, insurance agents, and one time to some random women in the grocery store line that may have involved tears and another teary moment in an elevator to another parent (thank you random person for telling me that I am validated in my freaking out moment.
Oliver has and always will be, just O., or the Monster, or my baby, or Oliver. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years explaining away his behavior. "He's just quirky", I'd say. "He's just smarter than other kiddos", "That just his personality", "He has a big imagination".... but then came our breaking point... and a wake-up call from my husband....
O isn't "just quirky"...
Following a moment of complete breakdown in the cracker aisle at a grocery store on our monthly, family grocery trip D looked at me, hand on my elbow, as both O and I are sobbing and said "We need to see a doctor. This is not normal and not healthy". I agreed.
"He's not just quirky".
We made an appointment with our pediatrician and our life has never been the same since. We hadn't been in the office for 5 minutes before our Doc suggested Aspergers and sent us to a Neurologist immediately. I appreciate the support from our Docs but within 2 weeks we went from a normal child to 3 therapists, a ped, a neuro, and a marriage that consists of discussing how to handle our child. I've been married to D for 7 months and been with him for 3 1/2 years and in the past 12 months we have done nothing besides handle our child. I watch O sometimes and want to scream at Doc when I can finally talk to a live person and not a v/m or an appt. 3-4 months away. I want to scream, what can I do NOW. Right now.". I've ordered book on Sensory Perceptive Disorder and Aspergers. I've been calm. I've tried discipline. I've tried physically restraining him (holding him in my arms). I've tried singing (I'll Stand By You). I've tried talking to him about blue (his favorite color), I've tried organizing his toys with him, and being a "hero".
This Mom is tired, and frustrated, and feeling guilty for not being the perfect Mommy. I lose my temper, I lash out at my husband when I can't hear myself think, my job and co-workers have more than been exposed to tears and and distraction. I've asked about a million doctors/nurses/ therapists for help and the reply I got yesterday was "you've made him a Momma's boy with weak emotions and you should be harder on him".
I've wanted a sibling for O. for a long time but I am beginning to see that there is a reason that hasn't happened and never will. My role is to fight against the world for O. It is hard to explain to someone how much time is spent making his voice known and heard and his rights uphold.
WITHOUT DUMPING HIM FULL OF MEDS!
Other Moms have said that the first year is the hardest but all I can think is that I am not the Mommy to do this. I am failing. I am lost. I love my Monster but I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I am juggling and I am scared that all the balls will fall from my grasp at any second.