Tuesday, August 30, 2011

k8's latest wedding rant

This blog comes with a warning : I might really piss ya off.
Correction: I will piss ya off.

I am annoyed or frustrated or tired or some version of all three.
Yes, I have been married before but I didn't do the whole wedding stuffs.
I am still not really doing it but I have been immersed in it and I find is truly an embarrassment to brides and to the sanctity of marriage.
This is not to say that I don't want to be walked down the aisle in a beautiful dress and say "I do".
I want the Barbie wedding that 10yo Kate imagined over and over again.

But. And there is a big but. (hehehe)

The stupidity of it all is unbelievable and truly truly just wrong. So, I have narrowed the list of wedding issues down to a TOP 5 Most Insane.

1) Wedding Video set to cheesy music (think: Tim McGraw/Faith Hill duets and 80's love Ballads).

I mean what in the hell? How can you honestly watch those montages and not laugh hysterically at your own stupidity? Especially considering the price. I mean it is honestly like people lose all sense of what reasonable pricing means and just scream "hey, I'm getting married come rape me with high prices because I like to kid myself that this day is more special than any other day that I spend in love with my soon to be ex husband" (thank you run on sentence and sarcasm). I can't decide what annoys me more the pricing for a corny video that a pimply 14yo could put together, the stupid songs and scanning photos, or the fact that people truly believe that this day is that important. Maybe that is a better image of the vast amount of divorce. Kate up on her high horse says, yes I understand the importance of a wedding but to me it has nothing to do with a video montage.

2) Strapless dresses.

I told ya'll I'd offend ya.
I think they are SO trashy and just so offense inside a church. I would be ashamed to stand in front of a Priest in some of the dresses that I've been presented with. My husband can see slutty me after the wedding. hehehe. Sultry wedding photos? um, NO. Sultry wedding dress? um, NO.
If there is ever a time to be classy, elegant, respectful, and reserved I'd say your wedding day is a good time.
I saw a wedding picture the other day of the couple pressed together and his hands on her bum.
This disturbs me greatly and makes me a little weirded out.

The odd thing is that I am an incredibly liberal person and please understand that I am NOT judging anyone Else's wedding decisions. I am simply ranting about my personal taste and my odd wedding quirks.

3) Wind Beneath My Wings

This song should never be played in any of the following ceremonies:
a)your wedding
b) a funeral
c) your birthday party

It is appropriate:
a)when you are alone in the shower gettin your sing on
b) you are folding laundry and extremely bored
c) it pops on the radio randomly and you are driving alone. I repeat: alone.

Do not subject your fiance to any of the above.
You might become single.

4) engagement/wedding photos that are:

a) shot on your College campus
b) are edited to look all fadey and on an angle
c) of your rings

I am sorry but corny, lame, and make me giggle. I am not opposed to cool pictures but the above are in no way cool or unique. They have been done by every sequin wearing bride since 1970. Simple and Crisp.
that's what I want.

5) Matching bridesmaids dresses.

People still do this? For Real? I repeat... FOR REAL? Let's make my best friends dress up in cheaply made gowns that don't flatter 95% of them, in god awful colors, that they'll never wear again and then take corny fadey pictures on an angle at my old college.
Hahahahaha!
I am such a bitch today, aren't I?

Okay, I just had to add in one more because it is really annoying me....

6) The Mexican Honeymoon.

There are about 4953464867389765 places to see in the world and Americans go to a resort in Mexico where 20 minutes away there are starving, dying people.
That's the best you can come up?
REALLY?
I applaud those that actually take time to see the world.
Whether that be a town away for the weekend or Thailand.
But, STOP with the all inclusive silly Mexican resorts.
Not only is it embarrassing uninteresting it is literally helping to destroy the Mexican way of life and the shore line there.

So, in conclusion and after my HUGE, angry rant...
I do apologize to those that want the above things in their wedding.
I do not judge.
I just get frustrated that people feel I should do all those things even after making it clear that they nauseate me.

Things my friends have done that I love at their weddings:

wore orange high heels (Tara)
went to San Antonio for their honeymoon ( Laura)
didn't do a stupid curly up-do (Jen)
traditional and classy (Elsa)
simple and elegant (Casondra)
eloped (McKenzie)

But the one who trumps them all....
Alison.
I heart you.
and I heart your wedding.





1 comment:

Mrs. Melch said...

You can love us too; we went to Brazil for our honeymoon!!