Sunday, July 31, 2011

Trust and a Marriage

Warning: This blog is uber personal.

Let me just start with a very blunt statement...

I have trust issues.
big ones.
big big ones.
I don't believe love lasts forever.
I've never trusted men. ever.
and still don't.
and won't ever.
The long ago cause is long ago but still lingers ever so strongly.

I follow many blogs and read about the devotion of my blog friends to their husbands. As my wedding approaches (waaay to fast I might add (only because I have 7.2 million things to complete)) I don't feel that I can ever trust in the way that I read about others.
This is, in no way, a reflection of D's love and patience with me. In all honesty, it is quite the opposite. He has come to understand my odd boundaries, quirks, and incredible need for independence and privacy.
I once told him that he is so far the only man I've ever felt safe with besides my son, papa, and unk mac and that is the reason I said yes on Sept. 11 2010.
The unfortunate thing is that all of my issues put a HUGE strain on our relationship. It was easy as a new couple because keeping distance is normal but as we became more and more involved in each others lives it got very hard for me. I often equate my level of privacy to that of Jackie O. There are two Kate's. I'm not saying I am the only girl out there that feels this way (in fact I think a lot more people like me exist than I can see).

Private Kate and Outgoing Kate.

Private Kate is struggling ever so much to allow D into her world and be the loving, devoted, TRUSTING, open, inviting wife that I want to be. Trust is just so so hard for me. I can't tell you the number of times that we've argued and D has made the statement "you can't be in a relationship". I am afraid that he is correct sometimes. The only successful relationship I've had is with the Monster. Can I make it work with a man? Can I learn to trust someone that I'm not biologically related to? Can I let down the wall I've built? Can I?? I've built this wall for years and years. I've hurt others, destroyed myself, and now I have a man that is willing to find a crack in that wall. Only I now seem to just keeping plugging that crack with gum...just to keep private Kate safe. (Please ignore the use of a really corny analogy).

Thank you for listening from the Kate that finds it easier to write her feelings than say them.

1 comment:

Elsa said...
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