Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Bad Mommy Day

This week didn't play out as expected and it is only Tuesday.
There are issues at work that I don't think I should air but let's just say "high stress".
Added to this I am facing lab results tomorrow at 7am that are gonna be bad either way.
As in, if they find something it isn't gonna be good and if they don't find anything I am back to square one as to what is wrong with me.
lose. lose.
Shall we add onto that the bad parenting vibe hanging over my head.
Several people have suggested that the reason that my Monster isn't potty training is because since I am a working Mom I am not there enough to develop consistency.
There is nothing worse than a) stress at work b) medical issues c) dwelling on being a bad mom.

Today, I dropped Little O off at Nanny's in the dark. Knowing that the day was going to suck, focusing on the fact that it would be pitch dark when I picked him up, and then had 100 things to do between pick up and bed time. I made it 4 blocks from work (about an hour drive) before I slammed on the breaks.
Full blown panic attack.
Too much.
Too much on my shoulders.
I called my bosses boss and was honest.
I. need. a. day.
I am overwhelmed, stressed, and a terrible Mom.
I am not happy. I can't stop crying. I'd be non-productive for 99% of the work day.
Went back to Nanny.
Watched K and O innocently run around playing and jumping and hugging and giggling and tried oh, so hard to remember what it feels like to not have so many responsibilities and so much pressure. I watched the two of them and thought about Max and I as children.
All I wanted to do was grow up.
I wanted to wear heels.
(the ones that now make my feet ache)
I wanted make-up and straight hair.
(both of which now take more time than I care to think about).
I wanted my own life.
(the one that now costs me my sanity and a large mortgage).

So, to all you youngin's out there...

Listen to this "just past youngin"...
Enjoy each and every moment that your Momma wraps you into her arms and says it's gonna be ok and gives you back scritches.
When your Dad dons a Mr. Nose it All costume and tells you stories?
Make sure to giggle extra loud.
On Christmas Eve when your little brother wants to climb up to the top bunk and listen to the oldies station with you while you wait for Santa....
Say yes.

You won't regret it.


Tangled In Texas said...

Oh girl! I hear ya!

You ARE NOT a bad mommy. PT will come in time. At their age, (I believe) that kids need to be around other kids.

I'll keep ya in my thoughts and prayers for your health issue. (((hugs)))

Badangeltiff said...

I totally agree on the PT. I struggled with Teelin until he was just suddenly ready and started doing it at around 4 years old. He was totally fine with it then.
Thinking of you for your physical stuff.
Panic attacks are definitely a warning sign. Hope you're doing something toward alleviating that kind of stress. You're only human and can do only so much.

JCRHarris said...

I swear 90 % of the reason that Ru potty trained was because of "school" aka daycare! Do NOT feel bad about being a working mother... just make sure you and the Nanny are consistent and it WILL happen. Sending good vibes your way love!

McKenzie said...

You are not a bad mom. I've never physically watched you parent, but from everything you post... it seems that you are one of the most in touch, in depth, hands on and fun mommys there is. In fact, I often read your posts and hope I can be even half as super involved as your are -- and I usually ask myself how on earth you do all of the things you do...

and.... MH days were meant to be taken...

Prayers for your health issues. Hoping you find answers and healing soon.